Ask Corvin!

Dream Analysis
Unintelligible / mysterious song lyrics
Proper etiquette
Guitars
Legal questions
Wine tasting
Diet / nutrition
Metallurgy
Angling
The realm of lip balm
Personal counseling
Fear recognition
Orthodontics
Missing Persons
Mind Reading

Drug & alcohol interactions
Medical symptoms
Electronics
Automotive performance
Relationships
Politics
Cops
Martial arts
Beer
Cigarettes
Helicopters
Carpentry
Photography
Pornography
Psychology

Unfortunately, I am no longer accepting questions, for I don't know anything else.

My best friend is having a 50th birthday party; and she's asking her girlfriends to do a tribute to her; Is is proper etiquette to 'ask' for a tribute or is this something that others should volunteer to do for you; Basically, she's wanting us to tell the guests what a wonderful person she is....this sounds kind of tacky to ask for this....what are your thoughts, please?

Gail

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So your half-century-old friend is expecting a large extravaganza for her birthday, eh? Seems a bit presumptuous to me. However, here's an idea that will incorporate her "tribute" and something else along the lines that the rest of you will certainly enjoy:

In the tradition of Dean Martin and the newly-revived Comedy Central specials, I believe you should have a good old-fashioned Roast for your friend. Oh yes, she'll have all her friends there; they'll give her a well-deserved what-for!! This is what she asked for by wanting a "tribute". I mean, dig up some nasty stuff about her. Get some really unflattering pictures, you know, the whole nine. Keep it semi-clean, or not. Hell, you know her better than I. I just figured she's a self-centered, pompous egomaniac, but that's just me...

I guess I shouldn't be so quick to judge though. As of this writing, my thirty-fifth anniversary of my birth is just a few days away. You always want to feel special on that day & not really like an old fart. But I think in this case, she should be justly punished for her wishes!

What should a person do if she has been in an accident and can not work and pay bills? I have a law suit pending and have filed for Social Security Disability. But my creditors still want to get paid. What is a person to do?

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There are a number of things you can do to lower the pressure of Creditors. But I believe the best thing you should do is to consult an attorney immediately. Since I am not one, I cannot give legal advise, but I will give you a name:

His name is Dave Ramsey, and he's a financial talk-show host on radio stations all over the country. Honestly, this man is a great problem-solver for your situation. He advises everyone from millionaires on how to keep their money and people down on their luck on how to solve financial issues. Visit the link & call in or email him. He may have the right answer! That is my best advise!

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We use Music Pro Insurance out of NYC. Very reasonable rates, and they pay what they insure! We know firsthand!

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Some Corvin families are Irish. More correctly spelt Corvan, in Gaelic language Corr Bán. Corr, meaning singular, unusual etc. is the name of a clan in the province of Ulster. Bán is white, generally referring to fair-haired. This branch of the Corr's is found in Armagh in the 17 century, at the time of the plantation of Ulster by English/Scottish invaders. The Corr land on the banks of the river Blackwater was confiscated. In the following centuries many of the family were forced to emigrate, & the name is now rare in Ireland, with perhaps a hundred or so, still mainly in their native county of Armagh. Not all now 'bán', but still showing the 'corr' trait. Sounds familiar?

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Many thanks for the info, my Irish friend!! Does that mean we're distantly related to the hot chicks in the Corrs? If so, is it still wrong to fantasize about them?

Hi! Do you have any idea who sings the 80's song "Prep Rap"? I can't find it anywhere.

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"Prep Rap" was a record by Russ Mason in 1981, which I'm sure by now is long out of print.

Corvin,
I am serving veal for dinner tonight. Should I serve a Chardonnay, Red Rosé or Burgundy wine with this meal? Thanks.

Mike Vino
(Wino at large)

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Why wasn't I invited for your veal dinner? Huh? Am I not "good enough" for your soiree? Hmph. I personally would not drink wine with your meal (if I were actually invited) because I don't really like wine. I would have a Coke, water, or a tall cool Budweiser.

To answer your question, just watch that Turning Leaf wine commercial. You know the one, where the guy is all Martha Stewart with the food, slicing & dicing ever so carefully in his spartan, but carefully appointed apartment, with all the clinks and clacks of knives and plates and shit that it wants to make you throw a frickin brick through your TV. Then his skinny but tall model wife walks in and gives him head because he fixes dinner. I think he used a chardonnay.

See, I think people that fuss over wines are just big snobs. True, it might help your chances of bagging that hot babe you're having over for your precious veal. But, if she's the type of person who cares about the type of wine you have with a meal, you might as well just take her out to a bar, get her drunk, bang her, then tell her to get the hell out. Why? Because she's an elitist primadonna who's too high maintenance to worry about. You don't need that, man. She'll end up driving you nuts, spend all your money, and leave you a crumpled shell of a man when she's done.

Corvin,
My name is Shannon and im a redheaded extraordinarily inteligent, nineteen yearold colege student. I've met a twenty-four yearold colege student, with a degree already, plus going back to get a second in engineering. This fella has all the characteristics I've ever desired in a man, and he's also very intelligent and good looking, like myself. My dilema is that I know I've encountered the man of my dreams, we're exclusively dating one another and we're pretty serious. He was very shy and timid at first and just last night he's admitted to having love for me, but I cannot get him to tell me he loves me. He's far from a player, or even like any other man I've ever met... I know he's feeling similar to what I'm feeling but having love for someone and loving them and being in love with them are three different scenarios. He has explained to me in a round about way that he's enfatuated with me but enfatuation is not love, and is so intrigued by me he doesn't know if he could ever desire any other love after mine because of how ideal it is in his mind. (like im too good to be true, and im feeling exactly the same about him) This is great and all, but I wan't him to fall in love with me. What should I do besides be nothing but myself?

I think you just answered your own question, which is to be yourself. You can't make someone love you. Just ain't gonna happen. Unless you wear really revealing, slutty clothes with a thong, or even no underwear. Hmm. That might work... pause......... Anyway, if he can't hang on for the ride, his loss & no refunds. If you're as attractive as you say you are, you shouldn't have any problem finding Mr. Right later on, which leads me to my next mini-rant.

I mean, you're nineteen. (Ah, nineteen) Trust me, this is the age of living fast, so don't slow down until you're approaching 30. There's nothing worse than regret. Love is overrated anyway. It just makes you do stupid things. So be young, drink up & don't get pregnant. Lastly, use spell-check on your e-mail editor, Missy.

Where does the Corvin name come from? That's my last name and I have no clue what it means or where my ancestors came from? Maybe you could shed some light on it.

Thanks,
Corvin in OH

After many searches on numerous genealogy websites, I have yet to find a definitive answer on where our surname originated. However, I have found a couple of things that are pretty intriguing and might lead us to our roots:

I think the name is Hungarian, but there are Corvins found all over Europe. One Corvin said that her family history traces to the Mattias Corvinus, the King of Hungary, who reigned from 1443-1490. Are we descendants of Royalty? Perhaps. Or maybe just distant relatives of Zsa Zsa & Eva Gabor... Who knows.

My Dad's immediate family is from middle Tennessee and I think my lineage of Corvins came from Virginia and West Virginia. But anything before that is still a mystery to me.

Incidentally, the Genus of Crows & Ravens is Corvus. The consensus of those I've corresponded with say that our name literally means "Crow" or "Raven" in some fashion.

Dear Corvin,
My problem is a crazy one. I know that you're probably gonna tell me that i need help but this is serious to me. My problem revolves around three guys. One is my ex-boyfriend, the second one is my recent boyfriend, and the third one is just a guy i knew since last year and i have feelings for him. But, my ex and i just recently started talking again and i think that i want him back and i still live him because he's my first love and i miss him. My recent boyfriend, i love him too and practically my whole world is through him. And the third guy, he has a girlfriend and he says he loves her, but he likes me and has feelings for me also. I've asked my sister and my best friend what to do, and hey both tell me to follow my heart, and my heart is confusing me. i want all threee, but i know that it's not going to happen. I really want to know what's going on woth me and why is this decision so hard for me. i want one of them, and i know that one of them really cares about me, but i'm not for sure who.

i'm been recently getting into the nickelback rock sound i guess you could call it of rock. My only confusion lies in the tunings. HOw do drop d drop c and drop b work.. does this include all strings being tuned down. I was also wondering if you new extra way of using rock chords instead of just the regular bar chord. help me out man

chris

Here's how Drop D works: Tune your guitar to standard tuning ( E, A, D, G, B, E), then tune your top (low) E string down one whole step to D.

Drop C# (or Drop Db)- whichever you prefer to call it: Tune your guitar one half step down (D#, G#, C#, F#, A#, D#) (or Eb, Ab, Db, Gb, Bb, Eb), then tune your top (low) string down to C# or Db.

Drop C: Tune your guitar one whole step down (D, G, C, F, A, D), then tune your top (low) string down to C.

Here's the catch: when you tune down more than one half step from standard tuning, you usually will want to use heavier gauge strings to compensate for the lack of tension. Otherwise, your strings will have trouble staying in tune and be rather "flabby". Also, when you tune to lower tunings, your intonation, or string length, will change ever so slightly, thus your guitar will be slightly out of tune when you play chords, although it may be perfectly in tune when the strings are open. Also, your neck tension will change, resulting in a different "action" or string height between the strings and the fretboard.

Solution: find a good guitar repairman to give your axe a good setup on whichever tuning you plan to use. He might be able to give you some pointers on how to do this yourself when you radically change tunings on your geetar.

Concerning your question about "rock chords" instead of Barre (bar) chords, here's a simple way to play them: play only the first two or three strings of your Barre chord, instead of all six. This is commonly referred to as a "Power Chord". Most of the time, your first note is the root note, then the second is the fifth, then the third note is an octave of the root.

Example in standard tuning: Play an "E" Barre chord on the fifth fret ("A" chord), then strike only the first two or three strings. It gives a cleaner, "rockier" sound, especially when your playing through a distorted amplifier. If you're familiar with most of the different Barre chord positions on the guitar, try this out. It will probably give the sound you've been searching for.

Example in Drop-D: Play the first two or three strings on the same fret. This will make another Power Chord. Since your root note has changed, playing a chord on the fifth fret will result in a "G" chord, instead of an "A". And, if you play the first three strings open, there's your "D" chord. Buttah! It's all relative. It also opens up more possibilities on what you can play, especially some of the newer stuff.

This is just the beginning of the possibilities, and is just a couple of examples. I know enough about guitar to be dangerous, but am not an expert or even consider myself an instructor by any means. So that's my disclaimer for any of you who are guitar and music majors out there... :-)

dear corvin,
my boyfriend is 19 and i am 15 and i may be excpecting a baby. what will happen to him? will he go to jail? and how long will he go for?
sincerely,
baby on board

Your boyfriend should be the last thing you worry about. What will happen to your baby? Who will take care of it? How will you provide for its' basic needs? Or are you just going to farm it off on your parents while you go screwing around with older guys like a lot of underage mothers do these days?

You know, normally I give sarcastic answers to most people that write in. But in this case, I'm dead fucking serious. Call me insensitive, judgmental, old, or out of touch, but you've got a potential human being growing inside of you, and the only thing you ask is if your 19 year old boyfriend is going to jail? Give me a break. You know what? He should go to fucking jail for screwing a 15 year old! How responsible can he be anyway?

My advice: seek help from your doctor, the health department, your parents and those that know what to do. May God help you and your baby. Hopefully, it will be loved and have a chance in this world if you decide to have it.

Subject: Ken Tobias lyrics - Dream # 2

Hi Corvin. Like one of your other searchers, I'm trying to find the lyrics to this song. Can you helpl me?

Corvin,

I want to get into the porn industry. I've decided that I want to specialize in DVDA. The problem is most of the women who do this seem to be way older. Is this a
problem for a petite 22 yr. old girl? Your sincerest thoughts would be appreciated.

Send me your number to set up a confidential appointment. After a complete and thorough examination, you should come to a decision. Shortly thereafter, I will come to one as well.

i want to know how to know how to grow weed pick it, grow it, dry it everything else

Why the Hell would you want weeds? I spend about $35 per month on a lawn service to try to get rid of those pesky things choking out my Bermuda. I mean, what a pain in the ass. Apparently, you don't own a house with a lawn yet, so I'll give you a pass this time. Seriously, Dude.

hey corvin! i have a prob i dealing with. my boyfriend and i broke up because he says our relationship is too serious and are still living together and will continue doing so. he's interested in some girl and i'm very bitter about our breakup and still love him. although i wish we could go back to being boy/girlfriend again i'm very hurt and want to get back at him. i know he's gonna end up coming back since we see each other everyday and still sleep in the same bed so we can't avoid each other. he tries to kiss me and is always telling me i'm beautiful and that i smell good and shit. what should i do? how should he pay? he must suffer first, beg like a little dog and then have his heart broken, so what i'm trying to say is can i have some advice on how he can know how it feels?

thanks a mil,
girl

There is this guy I like but I don't know if he likes me everyone says he does. So my question is I want to play a seduction game sorta on him to get a honest reaction out of him. I would tell him to sit in a chair and maybe show a little cleavage touch him a little. Now he can't move if he swears he not into me so then I would straddle him and talk to him and maybe if still nothing makeout a little. Is it a good idea or should I just talk about old times and forget I ever thought of that?

You should leave poor Coach Mike Price alone. Hasn't he suffered enough embarrassment already? Please, take my advice & keep dancing at Arety's Angels in Pensacola.

I am poor and homeless. I smell like old vomit. All I have is the clothes on my back and the air in my lungs. At this very moment in time I have broken into someone's house to use their computer. I may steal some food while I'm at it. Later I'm going to shoplift some beer and some frozen peas for sustenance, I will then break into a car, hotwire it, drive it into the countryside and sleep the night there after which I will torch it to hide all evidence. I have killed 14 people, three of whom were completely innocent.

What I am asking Corvin is how do I stop the voices?

Kind regards

Kin dreg ards

Tell the voices in your head to shoplift something besides frozen peas. The beer I can understand, but peas? That's no way to live, man.

I really liked your answer to Jude. It might be a surprise to you, but many men will also overlook a zaftig lady. It's a cold, gray, shame.... Anyway, I
digress. You say you accept helicopter questions, so here goes. Where can I find a picture of "The Flintstone Flyer" a/k/a "The Barney Copter" from the Flintstones episode 2 , 1960, to download? My co-worker is retiring after 40 years of helicopter maintenance and we want to paste his face on a picture of Fred with the Flintstone Flyer.

After an extensive search on the world wide web, my crack staff & I (or is it staff on crack?) has found bupkus for a picture. Which perhaps is the first time that I have been stumped! OK, not really. Speaking of stumps, you know what the funniest thing that was ever said on The Flintstones?

Fred: (Trying to come up with some sort of scheme to hide the truth from Wilma) Remember, Barney, two heads are better than one.

Sorry I couldn't be more help & tell your co-worker to keep it "straight & level". He'll know what I mean.

hi there corvin! ok, i have always wondered this. u know how if u drink alot of water after u smoke pot it's supposed to help clear ur system, well, would excersizing alot do the same thing? i mean, u drink aot of water to get it out of ur system by peeing, so wouldn't sweating have a similar affect??
thanks much!
*clueless*

She had a situation
that needed attention
'bout something so illegal
and water retention

I told her to get a clue
and get on back to skoo
for her spelling is atrocious
and her punctuation, too

Hi, Corvin! Google led me to you on the search for LYRICS. Here's a challenge for ya: "Dream #2" by Ken Tobias, Canadian, about 1972. Where can I find THAT???

Or can YOU? ;-)

Greetings from JerkMany, Europe!
Sincerely,

Davida B.

Is this a challenge? Well, not that I have a lot of time on my hands, but to appease you, I will transcribe the lyrics from this song:

I drew a picture of a pair of wings
because I want to fly
My mother asked me to explain
I said that I would try

But I had a dream the other night about flying
and the man who was teaching me was crying
he said that fewer people were trying
and the art of really flying was dying

She said it was the strangest thing
that she had ever heard
A man can only be a man
he cannot be a bird

That's not really true I tried to tell her
If you search for love you soon will find an answer
You gotta think so high you're floating like a feather
But you have to learn to leave your head

Just take(?) the wings & fly away
up into the wind
Above the trees you glide with ease
rounding back again

Father can't you hear me, (unintelligible) you take my hand, yeah
Dying's a part of living, but I know you'll understand

Bt all he did was walk away and leave me
I saw in his eyes he said it cannot be
He (unintelligible) a world of fantasy
how can I tell him this is my reality

Just take(?) the wings & fly away
up into the wind
Above the trees you glide with ease
rounding back again

O.K. That's the first time and the last time that I will transcribe lyrics. I'm sorry that I couldn't understand a couple of words, and being that as it may, you probably asked for the lyrics because of those garbled verses. Beggars can't be choosers, so what you see is what you get, and any other cliché that you can think of. Hope this helps, and never ask me to do this again! That goes for the rest of you too...

Corvin, in the movie The Breakfast Club, at the beginning Bender throws a piece of paper at Claire, and she ignores it, and he starts to sing a song... nah nah nah nah nah.. nah... nah... nah, what song is this??

Thanks
- Frank

A-number-f***ing-one! The man has balls. When a president puts national security ahead of approval polls, he is the man!

Question #31

Is it true that you auctioned off the foreclosed house of the Queen of Road Rage?

Now I have been asked if it bothers me that I foreclose on people's houses. I'm sure it would if I actually knew the people, or saw the situation that some were in, but it's like anything else, whether being a Doctor or auto mechanic. You can't take each situation personally, or you would go insane. Plus, when you don't pay your bills, you don't get to keep your stuff. I know that sounds cold & callous, but there are rules that each of us must follow. I'm there just to enforce them & make certain that the procedure is carried out by law. Plus, it pays pretty good...

Hell Corvin!

What was that song, "I can't sing, I ain't pretty, and my legs are thin." I think he also went on to say, "Don't ask me no questions as I might not give you the answers you want me to."

Thanks a million!
Dave

The song you're referring to is one of my personal favorites titled "Oh Well" by Fleetwood Mac. This was sung by the original singer/guitarist, Peter Green in the late 60's or early 70's, who preceded the better-known Stevie Nicks/Lindsay Buckingham era during the mid-70's & 80's.

Thanks. I know that. We used to do the Cake version of the song, as opposed to the Gloria Gaynor version. And she didn't write the song either. It was written by Freddie Perren & Dino Fekaris, writers of some of the 70's most grooviest hits such as "Reunited", sung by Peaches & Herb & "If I Can't Have You", sung by Yvonne Elliman.

Haaaaaaaa! Stick that in yer pipe & smoke it!

1-0. I win!

Best regards,
Corvin

Thanks for the question, Jared. The song, as you probably already know is about someone who thinks they are "selling out".

OG usually stands for Original Gangster, i.e. OGT=Original Gangster Tool, or in other words, an original Tool fan. From 92 = 1992 when they released their first album (EP) Opiate. So "OGT/from 92/the first EP" would be an old-school Tool fan who thought that Maynard & friends had sold out for some reason or another. Of course, the lyrics that follow more than explain his thoughts on the matter and pretty much reflect mine on the subject as well.

Thanks for the question, mystery man (or lady). After Barry's last gig in November, 1999, he sadly lost his left arm in a tragic bowling accident. He now plays drums for a Def Leppard tribute band.

I have a Peavey Reactor guitar. I wanted a Telecaster but due to a broken back a few years ago, the Reactor works better for me because it's lighter....my question is, are there Fender Telecaster parts that are interchangeable with the Reactor?

Depending on what you want to replace on your guitar, most common parts such as machine heads (tuning keys), knobs, pots & the such should interchange without any problem. Looking at the Reactor, the pickguard & chrome switchplate should work too without any modifications. Also, the bridge looks very similar, which means the bridge pickup should be interchangable.

However, I've noticed the Peavey neck is a bit rounded at the butt-end whereas the Fender necks are squared. This may be a problem as it has for me when I assemble my "Frankenstein" guitars to burn & such. Also, check the alignment of where the screws mount into the neck. As far as I know, the Peavey Reactor has a 25-1/2" scale, same as the Fender, so intonation shouldn't be a problem either.

Guitars are fairly simple without a whole lot of moving parts, so most copies you see of their higher-priced compadres are almost exact in all the right places.

Please analyse my bro's dream Corvin.

Dream 1:

Helicopter (British airways he thinks) tries to land in my grand mothers garden, Me and my brother fight with an old grey haired lady who is encouraging Helicopter to land (Brother suggests lady may be with Al Qaida).

Dream 2:

Me and brother are still in Gran's garden, helicopter has very large light bulb on underbelly, a large 300 foot steel structure or mast is in the garden opposite, the helicopter pilot (who is an old geezer my brother works with) is screwing the light bulb on to the top of the aerial mast by flying round & round.

Note: Gran's garden is in the Scottish highlands.

look forward to the answer so brother can focus his life correctly

Del

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Well, Del, I wish your brother well, because it seems he's under a spell....................Sorry. I could be truly cheeky & say there's no rhyme nor reason to this dream, but I digress...

It also reminds me of the premise of a really bad joke, like "how many helicopters does it take to change a light bulb," but I know that's not it either.

This is the part in my analysis where I will free-write to see if anything comes to mind.

Alright, a helicopter. Hmm, what could that represent? I don't know, I guess I'll move on. May be a British Airways helicopter, well, that narrows it down. I guess this would be in the UK, since he did say his Gran's garden is in the Scottish Highlands. What else is in the Scottish Highlands? Hmmm. The Loch Ness Monster? Could that be it? That might hold true if the Gray-haired lady wasn't part of Al-Quida. Al-Quida.... is he sure he didn't mean Al Franken or Al Gore? What about Al B Sure. Hmmm, pretty bad one there, Mike. Ok, I can't figure this first dream out. Let's see what the second dream holds. Same garden, but the helicopter has a light bulb underneath. Could they be running from something? Are they wanted men? Perhaps they're growing weed & they're being busted for it. But what about the antenna? Phallic symbol? Nah, don't think so. Oh, ok, I see, the helicopter has a large light bulb, not a spotlight. Ok, that makes things easier...not. Maybe the helicopter & bulb represent an idea coming to fruition & by screwing it into a large mast would complete the idea & be a beacon for all to see. Well, that won't work either. Duh, because the pilot is an old geezer. Jeez, does this dream mean anything? What the hell? A fucking helicopter with a light bulb. What the hell is this shit? I can't fucking figure this out! This is killing me, truly killing me!! I need to find a happy place. Yes, a happy place. Ohmmmmm. Ohmmmmm. Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Hare Rama, Hare Rama. Ohmmmmmmmm. Ok, I'm better. I think. A fucking helicopter? I can't figure this shit out. I don't know what to say. Ah fuck it.

OK, here it goes. Your brother is nuts. Tell him to see a licensed Psychiatrist immediately!

Hey, Corvin! First off, I want to say that ya'll are great! And then I have a question: Are you always this witty, or did it come with age? I mean, most people I know couldn't come up with such a line if they thought over it for years.

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To answer your question, my so-called wittiness does come with age. In fact, I'm 134 years old. Hopefully I've learned something during that span of time. Forseeing the obvious next question have you may, which would be "how does one attain the age of 134 and youthful looking still?"

Well, the secret is still a secret, therefore a secret it would not be if I told thee. It is unfortunate that question I cannot answer. (By the way, once the age of one hundred you pass, the more Yoda you sound.)

Mike,

As a product conceived in the early 70's much of my memory dates back no further than the earlier part of the 80's. I have noticed your references to the Breakfast Club in some of your commentary and can certainly appreciate the stroll down memory lane. I have a very important question that I would like to ask.... In the movie John Bender asked Claire, "Would you ever consider dating a guy with elephantitis of the nuts?" A question that never got answered in the movie in addition to this question was "how do you suppose he rides a back?". I'd like to hear what may have been your response to such a question. And one more question.... Do you belong to the physics club? These are questions that I feel all of your fans have had on their minds for quite some time but were afraid to ask.

Thanks,
Josh

I'll give you the answer to that question, Mr. Bender, next Saturday. Don't mess with the bull young man, you'll get the horns.

"I've waited forever to find someone who could resolve the mystery of men for me. Seducing a man, doesn't require that much effort. Even making a man fall in love with you isn't that complicated, but my question resides more in the manly etiquette that they lack. How do I "encourage" a man to not be an idiot? (examples: uses the word, "boobies", thinks Hooters is a great place to take a girl, asks you to hold his spit cup, or thinks he is suppose to be the pretty one in the relationship) -- How would a woman of today, go about fixing good men that have the mentality of Fred Flintstone? I want you to give me an optimistic response, that gives me some sort of comfort that all is not lost, hopeless romantics still exist. Until then, I await holding a big stiff that I use to beat the ugly bastards off of me with."

But seriously, Jude, there are men out there who are all you seek & more. They are all overweight like me! You probably meet a bunch of guys like me all the time who are really nice, but you end up telling them that you don't want to date them, but to be just friends instead. Big mistake! See, a lot of big guys like myself are sensitive creatures, and will attend to your needs unlike the pretty boys who are vain & who need more maintenance. Think of us as the SUV to the sports car - we may be bigger & slower, but we can protect you better in crashes. I mean, do you really want someone who is so skinny that he can't even carry you? Not to mention, we're pretty dependable and can take you places sports cars cannot - and the ride is so much smoother & comfortable. Plus, we've been rejected & passed over so many times that any attention in our direction is appreciated & not taken for granted.

Although we look Neanderthal on the outside, we are highly evolved & understanding on the inside. So get yourself a big guy & be happy.

In regards to the song "How you remind me" by the band Nickelback, I have a nagging question to axe. I seem to follow the lyrics just fine through the first and second verses, but I get kind of lost at the chorus. What would make the lead singer of a rock band want to host the 1970's hit show "Candid Camera"? (Are we Alan Funt yet....yet...yet)

Can you clear that up?

Nickelback, being the good Canucks they are, have a keen interest in the old television series "Candid Camera". Only in the Great White North, the name of the same program was "Canadian Camera". It is a little known fact that there were not one, but two Alan Funts; one real, one an imposter. Both were of identical height, age, weight & bone structure, only the northern Funt had a predominant melanoma on his bald head. Not surprisingly, the latter hosted the Toronto-based series.

The lead singer of Nickelback, Chad Kroeger, appears to be in his late twenties to early thirties. Not so. He's 76! To his chagrin, the band wrote "How You Remind Me" about their frontman's resemblance to the great Alan Funt.

Question #17

So what do you think about Mike Tyson biting again, how many times is that?

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Well, it's good to hear that he's able to eat solid foods again, especially after that liquid diet he was on...
-Corvin

Question #16

Is it true that your singer wears purple women's thong underwear?

Sarah

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Thanks for the question, Sarah.

No. They're pink.

Thanks for playing; parting gifts are to the right side of the stage.
Love, Corvin

Question #15

Hey, Corvin.

See the thing is, a couple of friends and I have this band (well sorta), and personally, my goal in life is to have a lot of people recognize me for my talent. But, the people in the band are not too great. Jess can't sing if her life depended on it and Mel can but she tries way too hard to be perfect and you can see it in her face and hear it in her voice when she sings. I, however, am a "natural", if you don't mind me saying. I sing from the heart and not from the ego. My life is based on my voice and there is not a day that you don't hear me sing. So, my questions to you are:

Now, I am assuming that your band has guitar bass & drums (or the like), and you play rock-type music, so I will answer according to that assumption.

It sounds like you need to be the primary singer in the group. That's not so bad, for we have Fish as our lead vocalist. We're kind of in the same predicament as you are vocally. He can sing really well & Aaron & I can do backups pretty good. But what we're doing is showcasing everyone's talents. Brent plays the drums really well, Aaron plays great bass, Fish can f'ing wail on vocals & I play a pretty good guitar. Perhaps that is what your group should concentrate on instead of everyone trying to be the lead singer.

Stick with them unless they absolutely suck. You will get far more attention & stage time with an established group, which is essential for further performing experience. The important people will notice the individual abilities & take note.

This is a tuffy! The way we "raise" money is by performing. No sponsors (yet!) or financial backers - just us on a stage & getting paid at the end of the night. We don't split the money equally either - we take a specified amount from each show & the rest goes to travel expenses, more equipment, or money for recording. Bank loans help too, but don't bite off more than you can chew!

The best & easiest way to get recognized is to play, play, play! Which takes care of question two. Find a booking agent or book your own shows. The more that people see you, the more you are known. Which cycles back to the first question again. If you have a pretty good set list of material, you shouldn't have many problems getting gigs. You have half the gimmick down - an all girl band. Most people love to see this! To do this, you'll need a good picture, a good recording of your group & a brief bio of your band.

Well, I hope this helps with your decision making. Let me know how things turn out.

I have a 19 year old son that will not go to work and help pay for his truck or his insurance. All he wants to do is run around half the night with his buddies and sleep all morning. I've threatened to sell his truck and not pay his insurance. His dad is not any help at all. What's a mother to do? I am working 2 jobs to try to pay for him and it's getting rough.

The Mother

Seriously, you need to kick your son square in the ass! Now I can't say that I've never slept until noon after staying out all night - I still do on occasion! Hell, I'm a musician! That's what we're supposed to do. But there is a difference, I have a job (in addition to being a musician) & I help support my household. I have done so ever since I quit college. Period!

No self-respecting person should ever take advantage of their mother or anyone else that way. I'm afraid you've been making empty threats to your son for too long. Follow through. Sell the goddamned truck. Show him you mean business. He may say that he hates you, but he'll know the consequences & respect you for it later. Same goes with his dad. He probably doesn't take you seriously, either.

Now, I don't have any children, but I do know how to treat my mom. There is no reason why you should continue to support him if he doesn't make an effort to help out. He is technically an adult now. The rest is up to you.

Great question, Steve. As many of you know, I smoke like a chimney. Not that I encourage anyone to do so, for it has wreaked havoc on my immune & cardiovascular system. In fact, smoking really limits my physical performance on stage, because all that jumping around really wears me out. It also does a number on my voice, too. Yes, I am a drug-addict. I admit it. But hey, it's fun & they go hand-in-hand with a good beer or alcoholic beverage! I mean, why run a marathon for a "runner's high" when you can smoke & drink & obtain the same result from climbing a flight of stairs? Quite simply, it saves time.

Oh, to answer your question, I smoke many Winston Lights in a hard-pack. Now I'm not endorsed by Winston, unlike many auto racing organizations are, but I do encourage anyone from the RJ Reynolds tobacco company to do so, for these things are getting expensive! When I started smoking, (I'm really showing my age here) a pack of cigarettes were normally less than one dollar. Now they're about three times that price! Of course, I don't have to tell you smokers that.

Another type of tobacco I've been frequenting lately are the Parodi cigars. These are the little cheap Italian numbers that you can find in any tobacco shop or drug store. They are quite a bit different than your run-of-the-mill Cuban-seed and other expensive stogies. The tobacco is grown in middle-Tennessee, where my family is from. In fact, my family used to be tobacco farmers, so they have a bit of sentimental value to me.

In closing, feel free to bring me a fresh pack of Winstons or Parodis next time you see me & I'll surely appreciate it.

I noticed in your topics of expertise that you apparently know a great deal about lip balm. Since this winter is been a bit arid, what type of lip balm do you recommend?
Many thanks, Thomas

Thanks for the question, Thomas. You are correct about my expertise in lip balms, for I suffer with chapped lips every winter, especially during the dry spells. I highly recommend Blistex Medicated lip ointment, for I carry many tubes of this miracle salve in my pocket, car & stage cases. I can never have enough of this stuff. That being said, Blistex actually heals dry, chapped lips in just a couple of hours, hence the medicated claim. By the end of the night, no longer will you have "Kool-aid" mouth, but a fresh, mentholated mouth suitable for any sexual activity that may arise.

A word of advise, though: Do not over-apply the ointment to your lips, otherwise your mouth will have that unattractive white spooge that looks gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Although Blistex, Inc. is no way affiliated with Close Proximity, LLC., I still stick by my claim. However, we would be honored to be sponsored by their fine company.

What's up with that Drummer of yours? And what do you think about all the hate in the world?
Yours truly, Stacey

I suppose I'll answer your questions in the order which they were received. Regarding our drummer, I'm not sure what you mean by "what's up" with him, but I will tell you his stats as printed in the Naked Drummer Gazette:

Brent Shivers
Age: 24
Likes: Long walks on the beach, good personal hygiene, kitty cats, and Sprite
Dislikes: Nuclear war, extreme temperatures, red meat & schwag

Regarding all the hate in the world, you can't love everybody. Seriously though, hating someone or being paranoid of an individual just because of their looks or faith is completely idiotic. At least wait until they say or do something stupid first before you make that judgment. That way, you won't be prejudiced, and the world will be a better place.

"Dude, here's one for ya:

Regarding unintelligible song lyrics, I ask the following question: What the hell is the guy who sings "Louie Louie" saying? Here is my interpretation:
Louie louie,
woo, woo, say nee ga go
yeah, yeah, yeah yeah

Fi li gur, way fra nee
me ka shi say fo kra see,
me say shi fa fa ho
meaner stinks meat bake it cone

(chorus, I guess)

Am I far off on this? Also, is it "Big ol' jet had a light on" or "Big ol' jet air liner"?

Well, to be brutally honest, you are correct in your interpretation of The Kingsmen's version of "Louie Louie", except for the chorus, which should say:

Notice that woo and woh are enunciated differently. Other than that, you're dead on.

I spoke with Steve Miller prior to answering your question, and he told me a little story about that one. He explained to me that back in the early seventies while on tour of the middle east, his bass player, Jed, came upon a diminutive Arab sheik, Yerbouti, backstage at a venue. Because Jed was the bass player, not many girls would throw themselves at him like they would Steve or any other member of the band. Anyway, the sheik was there in full regalia, along with his seven wives. Jed asks Yerbouti if he could "borrow" one of his wives, since he was pretty hard up and the fact that the sheik had women to spare. Well, Yerbouti would have none of this, because of the strict Arab code that women were not to be looked upon by other men, because imprisonment and/or death would surely follow!

Jed, being a bit inebriated, took great offense to this and took a swing at the sheik, missing his Gutra (head gear) by just a fraction of an inch. While Jed was recovering from his swing, Yerbouti ordered his wives to attack, which they did with unbridled fury. In the moment of panic, Jed pulls out his Zippo and starts flicking it at the women, ultimately setting their veils afire. Steve and the guys quickly rush to Jed's aid and also extinguish the women.

After making sure everyone was alright, Steve tells the sheik to get his bigamist ass out of there before he sues him for the attack on his bandmate. Yerbouti agrees, because now he can't defend himself now that his harem has second-degree burns on 15% of their bodies. However, the Steve Miller Band was forbidden to ever step foot in the country again!

"Corvin, What's wrong with doing a guitar slinging whore? It sounds to me like your prejudging people with guitars......."

Perhaps I wasn't clear enough on that answer, Kristi. The last thing I am is prejudiced against anyone except for those pinko-commie bastards at the I.R.S., but I digress.

But it seems to me that you're implying that everyone that plays guitar is a whore.

Just because guitar players like the ultimate expression of love doesn't mean that we're whores. Even if that means we like to express ourselves multiple times a day.

What I meant by a "guitar-playing hooker" is from Title XXX, Code 69, page 4 of the Prostitution handbook:

"if one calls on the services of the said prostitute, (s)he will essentially charge double the established rate, because of services rendered for musical performance as well as sexual performance."

"I have a question about a guitar I have. When I was 15 I got a Peavey Reactor electric guitar. Peavey doesn't make them anymore to my knowledge and just out of curiosity, how much is it worth? It's in great shape cause like I think I told you I didn't really start playing until I got to college and took lessons. I'm not about to sell it cause it's a good guitar in good shape. I just want to know. "
Jud

Thanks for your question, Jud. You know, I have an affinity for Peavey products. Although I mainly play Gibson Les Pauls, you just can't beat a lot of Peavey's guitars. I never have played a Reactor, but I understand it is a Fender Telecaster look-alike & actually plays & sounds better than most Fender Teles produced nowadays. Not to mention the cost is sooo much less!

Speaking of which, I still have the first guitar I ever bought - a Peavey Nitro from the late Eighties for only a hundred bucks! In the past, it was used as the guitar I set ablaze at the end of the night, but I've recently retired it because I am in the process of restoring it to it's prior glory. I'll tell you one thing though, that MF took some abuse & never broke! Well, except for the headstock which was snapped off in transport (now replaced). Other than that, it has held up exceptionally well!

Also, I do use a Peavey Predator (Strat copy) for all the songs requiring that particular sound. Hell, it even sounds better than the '76 Fender Strat I used to own, if you can believe that! Oh, & it cost me about a hundred bucks.

But to answer your question, I would say your guitar is worth around $250 dollars. I think I would keep it if it sounds & plays good.

p.s. No, Peavey did not pay me for the above comments, but any endorsement deal is welcome!! hint, hint.

"If you have a date with a guitar playing hooker at a church revival, do you leave your guns, booze and contraceptives in your thunderbird super coupe in the church parking lot, or should you keep those items off church property and stash them in the fire truck you have the keys to at the volunteer fire house?"
-Ben

Well Ben, that is a complicated question. I could opt out of this by calling you a wise-ass for asking such a question, but being the friendly advise columnist that I am, I will respond to your query with the utmost respect and knowledge that I can offer. So here goes.

Never under any circumstances take a guitar-playing hooker to a church revival, unless she is to be "saved". By this I don't mean preserved in a mason jar. Most prostitutes I know will charge more for escorting you to an event. Now seeing that most church revivals are a few hours, if not days, long, you're in for a world of hurt, unless you have a large bank-roll you can blow on said prostitute. This, more than likely, would not be your case, since you drive a Ford Thunderbird Super Coupe.

Next, by all means, never carry a gun into a house of the Lord. It will just piss Him off & you don't want to be on the receiving end of His wrath. Same goes with the booze. Although a church revival would be a lot more fun all liquored-up, in most places it is still frowned upon by most congregations. Don't forget about that whole wrath of God thing, too.

Condoms, on the other hand, you may carry with you. They're easily stowed, but carrying them in your wallet is not a good idea. (See question below from Dartrix for details).

Concerning the fire truck: if you're a volunteer fireman, please keep the keys at the station & don't bother the truck - you should know this. No firefighter I know wants to reach for a hose & pull out a condom - unless it's his own hose.

"So what's up with all those guitars you play on stage? Why so many? Inquiring minds want to know!"
-Chris

Well, I'll tell you, Chris. Each guitar is like a mistress to me. Each have as the French say, a certain "je ne sais quoi". It's almost like having many women without the bitching & nagging, as well as being very low-maintenance. Oh sure, they'll break a string at the most inconvenient time every once in awhile, but they take quite a bit of abuse without protest as long as I pay a little attention to them. I mean, how many women do you know of that are alright with being played with in front of a lot of people, being shared with other women, & put in a case stored in a cold/hot truck for days at a time? Not any that I know of.

Seriously though, I have an arsenal of guitars because one is tuned in standard tuning, one is tuned a half-step down, and the others for different sounds. They do make different sounds, you know.

Thanks for your question & I hope this explains my eccentricities.
-Don't eat yellow snow,
Corvin

Is the best for of contraceptive a condom, or that foam stuff? If its the foam stuff, can it also be used to seal punctures in race car tires? Also, if I were at a church revival, and I was jumping up and down praising the Lord, and 3 or 4 condoms fell out of my pocket, would it be more proper to pick them up or kick them nonchalantly under the person standing next to me, and point at him/her and yell "Sinner!!!"?
-Tony

Thanks for your multitude of questions, Tony. I will try to answer them in the order which they were received..............kind of like the hold announcement at the phone company.
Firstly, you can't go wrong with a condom. Statistics show that the success rate is around 98% to 99%, whereas the foam stuff has a lower success statistic. However, if used in conjunction, the chances of impregnating your female partner (I assume female) would be incredibly low. Unless you haven't had an ejaculation in a very long time, (whether from abstinence, no masturbating, or just plain bad luck) you would then create such a mighty pressure down below, the ejaculate would act as a projectile of a .45 caliber firearm, literally blowing a gaping hole through the said condom. The little bit of foam, acting like soap suds in greasy water, would disperse faster than roaches in a lighted room. After which your partner would be rushed to the OB-GYN for second-degree burns to the uterus. And we wouldn't want that!

In the resounding words of former Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders, if you must abstain, pull the chain.

Secondly, I don't think that contraceptive foam should be used as a puncture seal in any tire, much less ones on a race car. However, Fix-a-flat might be used as a contraceptive.............I think the jury's still out on that one.

Lastly, if Jesse Jackson had used a condom after the church revival, he might not have that 20-month-old illegitimate daughter right now. See pic below:

But to answer your question, yes, it would be appropriate to accuse the innocent of being a "sinner", because we all are sinners in one way or another. The degrees just vary. In my case, I'll see you in the cesspool section of Hell.

"What is the average life span of a condom when it if fresh from the manufacturer and stored properly?"
Thanks, Dartrix

Dartrix, if that is your real name, before I answer this "loaded question", perhaps I need to find out what your gender is.
If you are female, this would be an understandable concern. Most of the time, there is an expiration date printed on the box. About a year is what most are good for.

Dartrix, if you are male, what the Hell are you asking this question for? Go get some, buddy.....before that thing falls off. They do fall off, you know.

For the rest of you out there, much can be learned from this. Never under any circumstances pick a condom up from the sidewalk or from the side of a road, unless it is inflated into a funny-looking wiener dog...............just make sure it's empty first, 'cause it may not be a wiener dog after all.
Safety first!
-Corvin

"...so, what do you think of this craziness we are calling a presidential election?..."
-Ginia

Very interesting query, Ginia. You know, this reminds me of way-back-when, during my four-year stint in high school. Wait, no it doesn't, it reminds me of my many sessions of summer school. Well, no it doesn't remind me of that either. Hmmm.

To tell you the truth, I can't make much of this at all. However, I will say this: if the Gore campaign gets their way, it is not only a victory for Democrats, it is a victory for incompetent people everywhere. Think about it.

For example, a student takes a test & does very poorly. If the election turns the way of Gore, the student now can demand that the teacher look over the test, checking for any erased or crossed-out right answers originally counted wrong. If the intent for the correct answer (now marked wrong) is there, but the student felt that he was confused on the question, under this statute, his answer will count as correct!

If this is the case, I want to redo all my tests in High School & College, & become the Engineer that I always wanted to be, instead of the guitar-playing shepherd that I am now.

Thanks for the question, Vicki. I really wish I could tell you where I purchased my now famous hat, but like every other bit of classified information, unfortunately I can't. However, I can tell you this, I do like my hat, no matter what anyone says. It's comfortable, covers my receding hairline, and is easy to pack on trips.

"...so do fire trucks and condoms have anything in common?..."
-Shot girl from Meridian

Thanks for writing in, Shot girl. Before I answer your question, perhaps we should analyze the differences before we discuss the similarities.

For instance, fire trucks tend to be red in color, sometimes yellow, while condoms generally tend to run a bit transparent. Occasionally, you will find the 'oddball' colored prophylactic, but mostly in truck stop restroom dispensers.

Another dissimilarity betwixt the two would be that fire trucks generally hold about six firefighters, while the condom is designed for just one male penis. Some men may call their penis a "fireman", such is the case with the Eric Cartman character on Comedy Central's "South Park". Others may call their member "Mr. Happy", "Johnson", "Schlong", "rod", or "pole". The late Burgess Meredith's character in the film "Grumpy Old Men" referred to the act of copulation as "Taking old 'One-Eye' to the Optometrist" and "Taking the 'Skin Boat' to Tuna Town." Perhaps we should move on.

Generally, the life span of a fire truck in service is around twenty or so years, while the life span of a condom in service is twenty or so minutes (or seconds)......depends on who you're with.

The final difference I shall discuss would be the most obvious of all: fire trucks contain tools that squirt out stuff, while condoms contain the stuff that tools squirt out. I believe enough is said on that matter as well.

Fire trucks have tires made of rubber. So are condoms.
Fire trucks are used by firefighters. So are condoms.
Fire trucks are used in hot places. So are condoms.

So you see Shot girl, there are many differences between the fire truck and condom, but there are a few similarities. I hope this helps!

ASK CORVIN!